How Paternalistic Should a Parent Be?
In church today the pastor–who is a super right-winger–derided the San Francisco ban on Happy Meals. Although I can’t recall him ever discussing it, somehow I don’t think my pastor objects to those same wacky Californians banning people from consuming marijuana. Assuming I’m right, then, my pastor actually doesn’t have a problem with the principle of banning Happy Meals, he just objects to the particular decision.
I had my own bout with paternalism later in the day, while in the car with my (almost) 6-year-old son. Out of the blue he asked, “Are there bad guys in Nashville?” I said yes. He then asked if they were all in jail. I said some of them were. Then he asked who put them there, and I talked about police and judges. He asked what judges do, and I had to decide whether to explain judges right now in this world, or judges in daddy’s fantasy land. (I opted for the former.)
Then he asked a really tough one: “Does the jail turn them into good guys?” This is really a profound question. Was my son a budding utilitarian? A social reformer? Or was he merely concerned about the use of my tax dollars?
I wasn’t sure how to answer. I truly don’t want to indoctrinate my son with my worldview, both for ethical and pragmatic reasons. Ethically, it’s not fair to “force” my views on him, especially since I’m surely wrong on several issues (hopefully none too important). And pragmatically, he’s eventually going to form his own opinions, and so I don’t want to put a bad taste in his mouth for all this “Jesus and liberty stuff” early on.
After a pause I answered, “It turns some of them into good guys.” Then after thinking a few moments, I elaborated: “But sometimes jail turns them into really bad guys.” My son didn’t understand, so I explained, “Well, there can be guys that are a little bad, and guys that are really bad, right? So if they put a guy who’s a little bad into jail with guys that are really bad, then the guy who is a little bad might turn into a guy who’s really bad too.”
Then after a few minutes, I decided it was acceptable to proselytize the captive audience in the car seat: “But do you know who turns a lot of bad guys into good guys in prison?” “Who?” “Jesus. If people tell the bad guys in the jail that Jesus loves them and is their friend, then sometimes they turn into good guys.”
Then Clark asked, “Oh, when Jesus comes to Nashville?”
Talk about a great concert!
“Oh, when Jesus comes to Nashville?”
This is when you reveal that you are Jesus.
“I truly don’t want to indoctrinate my son with my worldview, both for ethical and pragmatic reasons. Ethically, it’s not fair to “force” my views on him, especially since I’m surely wrong on several issues (hopefully none too important).”
Well, you can start by never taking him to church again.
Bob, You wrote:
Ethically, it’s not fair to “force” my views on him, especially since I’m surely wrong on several issues (hopefully none too important).
But you’re not forcing. He asked you. I think you owe it to him to give your best answer. Your pragmatic point I accept, but that has to do with the frequency with which you tell him your views and the tone that you use to express them. I trust you on both counts. I think good parents owe it to their kids to give them ethical training and street smart training. I think your answer to this question from your son is in both categories.
Ethically, I think you are required to force your views on your son, especially at his young age. That’s why God gave children parents. Children need to feel that parents know what they’re doing and are in control in order to feel safe and secure. And he needs to know that you are confident in your beliefs especially in really important matters. As in romance so with children: if you don’t have the confidence fake it! He can make up his own mind about things that don’t matter. The time to let him explore his own ideas about important issues is when he becomes a teenager. Then he’ll be able to reason fairly well and can handle uncertainty better.
“Ethically, it’s not fair to “force” my views on him, especially since I’m surely wrong on several issues (hopefully none too important).”
You should give age-appropriate explanations for what you believe and for what others believe. As David points out this is not “force” – you were asked the question and need to give a reasonable answer with an explanation geared toward the age and intellectual development of the child.
Ethics and Force don’t seem to me to be partners. Was Mill correct in saying that beliefs are only valid when formed after considering other competing beliefs? It seems to me that “forcing” a child to believe is both irresponsible and counter-productive to the beliefs you wish to instill.
fundamentalist wrote “The time to let him explore his own ideas about important issues is when he becomes a teenager. Then he’ll be able to reason fairly well and can handle uncertainty better.” This begs the question of whether or not fundamentalist has met a teenager. As Growing Kids Gods Way points out you should parent in a “funnel” where responsibility and freedom expand with age. I think you handled this the right way Bob and I don’t think “force” contra fundamentalist will actually work or accomplish what you want.
“Was Mill correct in saying that beliefs are only valid when formed after considering other competing beliefs?”
You have mentioned that before, so I thought I might respond. I don’t think Mill is correct. Most people don’t have the ability, time or resources to study every side of every question. For the most part people rely on trusted authorities, which is nothing but the rational division of labor. Relying on authority as proof of the veracity of something is a fallacy, but trusting authority to have done the foot work to arrive at the truth is not only valid but is absolutely necessary for most of us. For example, I don’t want to become a PhD in physics in order to verify that Einstein was right about everything. I have other things to do that are more important to me. I believe that the earth rotates the sun, but I haven’t verified it for myself.
The point of informing your children about competing beliefs serves many purpsoses. 1) When they run into those beliefs in the world they won’t be shocked and think you were “hiding the ball” from them. 2) By giving them information it reinforces the strength of your beliefs by showing that you believe them to be true in spite of what other competing views may say. 3) Giving information or explanations that don’t jibe with your own encourages critical thinking skills that are vitally important.
“Most people don’t have the ability, time or resources to study every side of every question.”
No, but they do have the time to learn that there are questions that may deserve further study. I don’t know anything about quantum mechanics but I know enough to know there is a field in theoretical physics dealing with quantum mechanics. Isn’t knowing that we don’t know everything the beginning of knowledge? You seem to be saying, and I know you will correct me if I’m wrong, the ignorant don’t have the time or inclination to study these questions so we are better off not even acknowledging there are differences of thought and opinion. Best not “muddy the waters” of their “forced” belief systems because to do so would invite disaster.
I would really like to see Jesus live……and unplugged
If you don’t indoctrinate them, somebody else will. Go for broke!
Peter, exactly! Other people aren’t going to be bashful at all about trying to force their beliefs on your kids. And as Dr. James Dobson wrote, kids need to feel that a responsible adult is in control in order to feel secure and develop in a healthy way. That’s especially true with strong willed children. When they become teenagers you won’t have to teach them to question things. They’ll naturally question everything you say or do. That’s when you can let them choose their own way, but only after providing them the tools and resources. Let them know why you decided the way you did.
I think you guys are perhaps misunderstanding how I actually behaved. I didn’t say, “Some people think Jesus helps them, but others don’t believe Jesus exists. If you want, I can show you a book about Jesus. Just let me know what your preference is.”
I am explaining that I choose my words carefully on topics like this. But for sure, what I am going to do is not “force” my beliefs on him. Other people are going to lie to him too, throughout his life. It doesn’t mean I will beat them to the punch.
Bob, I didn’t mean to sound like I was criticizing you. I was speaking in more general terms. I’m sure you did the right thing because you show a lot of wisdom. All I’m saying is don’t worry about being one sided when your kids are young. Kids need that up to a certain age and you will know when that is because you’re in touch with your kids. At young ages, kids need certainty and security. You will know it when they have outgrown that; they will question everything you say and do. At that point you can’t tell them what to believe; they’ll do the opposite. You actually have to convince them.
I have no children, but I do have a little doggie. When she asks me questions pertaining to morality, I know it’s time to put down the moonshine.
All joking aside, I have recently stumbled upon some fascinating insights into the praxeology of childhood learning and behavior development while researching the concept of “unschooling”. The idea boils down to raising your child without coercion. Intuitively, the idea surely appears radical and irresponsible, and I don’t quite buy it, yet it makes so much sense in the same way as does the Austrian school of economics. What better way to raise a statist slave than to force a child through 13 years of “education” that they hate, care little about, and from which they learn relatively little; to drill into their heads that they are not capable of knowing what is best for them, that they must do what they are told, and to fear authority; to set the example that coercion is the preferred method to reach a desired endstate. Does this type of upbringing really instill a curiosity of life, a love of freedom and a respect for the choices and freedom of others?