30 Apr 2009

Man versus Beast

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I am a pacifist when it comes to interpersonal relations, but not when there is a showdown between humans and the lower creatures. We have these ginormous carpenter bees that find our wooden house delectable. So last Sunday I took a tennis racket and slew 15 of them (as well as a wasp that chose its flight path poorly).

Today I was packing the car for my short trip to Memphis (for the ALEC Spring Task Force). A carpenter bee moseyed on up to me. Alas, my trusty weapon was 15 feet away, and behind a door to boot. (Otherwise I just would have used the force to retrieve it.)

So what did I do? Did I run into the house squealing like a little girl?

No sir, I cupped my right hand and served that bee right into the concrete. BAM! That’s what I’m talking about. A light tap from my sandal put the reckless insect out of its misery. Let that be a lesson to other carpenter bees.


OK I had an epiphany. I recently watched the clip of Winston in Room 101 (it had to do with the Bush torture memos and how they basically were trying to do Room 101 for their prisoners–i.e. come up with “the worst thing in the world” after a psychological profile).

So I was trying to think if it were possible that Winston could have extricated himself from that predicament without giving in. And I know it’s a long shot–it actually would probably work for one rat, not sure about two–but hear me out:

When they lift the partition and the rats come at your face, you offer them your tongue. I think that would be a nice fleshy thing for them to sink their teeth in. Then once they’re latched on, you retract your tongue back into your mouth and CRUNCH you bite their heads as hard as you can at the neck, decapitating them if you can but at the very least killing them.

If you did that, I think even Big Brother might be tempted to let you go. Or at the very least, he’d have the decency to shoot you.

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